Lawn Mowing Wars
by HowDracoGotHisGrooveBack
Summary: Draco doesn't want to mow the lawn. The resulting sequence of events sparks a War.
1. Draco's Antics

**Silly little ficlet time :) Enjoy, all**

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Nestled in the folds of the beautiful British countryside lies a little village called Godric's Hollow. And in this lovely little village, there is a small country cottage. The residents of this cottage were probably the happiest people that ever lived. For they were in love- and everyone knows that for those in love, the world is full of beauty, tenderness and eternal everlasting joy.

"You're a selfish, lazy **arsewipe**!" shouted resident number one, as he practically drowned in tenderness and everlasting joy.

"And you're an absolute shite!" shouted the second resident. "I can't believe you're making all this fuss over a stupid lawn!"

"It's not about the lawn!" Harry Potter bellowed at his beloved husband. "It's about the fact that you refuse to trim the hedges or water the flowers or mow the lawn or…okay fine, it's about the lawn!"

"I'm busy right now!" Draco replied, brandishing a paintbrush "Why can't you do it just this once?"

Harry scowled at the canvas and easel situated smugly in the living room. "You're drawing fruit" he deadpanned. "And by the way, your grapefruit looks like Cornelius Fudge." He ignored Draco's shriek of outrage and ploughed on determined to have his say "And you're _not_ busy! Every sodding time it's your turn to do something around the house, you decide to play artist!"

"I _am_ an artist!" Draco protested huffily.

"You're a lazy sod!" Harry belted back. "And I won't take it anymore! It's _your_ turn to mow the lawn and you're going to mow the sodding lawn!"

They glared at each other for several minutes- Harry with his messy, dark hair and flashing green eyes and Draco with his stiff, aristocratic stand and icy glare. The air crackled with tension- and not the good kind.

Finally Draco broke the silence. "Fine" he muttered "I'll mow the bloody lawn. But I promise, you won't like it."

Harry snorted at Draco's ridiculous threat and sauntered off, whistling. As he settled in their bedroom and picked up a book, he wondered if Draco would bail on his chores and run off to Pansy's or something. It would be just the sneaky git.

But then he heard the unmistakable whirring of the lawn mower and nodded smugly. His husband was hard at work and about time, too!

Twenty minutes later, he realised he couldn't hear the mower any more. Was Draco done already? It was a pretty big lawn. Harry padded to the yard, intending to check on Draco's progress.

He wondered how mad his lover really was. Maybe he could make it up to him tonight. After all, Draco deserved a reward for all his hard work…

"Love?" he called, poking his head outside cautiously, lest his miffed husband decided to throw something at him.

But Draco was nowhere to be seen. Harry trailed into the gardens, frowning. And his frown became more and more pronounced as he realised that the lawn looked the same! The grass was still half a meter high and unruly as ever. Draco hadn't done a thing!

Glaring, the Gryffindor stomped through the grass forest, determined to find the aggravating blond and give him a piece of his mind.

"Draco, you prat!" he yelled at no one in particular as he waded through his neglected lawn "You didn't do a damn thing, did you? Honestly, I love you but sometimes you're a real arseho…**ly mother of Merlin**!" Harry's rant ended in an oath and a barely suppressed shriek. His eyes widened in shock as he took in the horrific sight in front of him.

As it turned out, Draco _had_ been mowing the lawn. Right there in front of Harry, in the middle of the thigh high grass forest was Draco's handiwork- a mowed, manicured and almost _perfectly_ trimmed spot of grass.

Shaped like a gigantic, _very_ erect penis.

"Draco Malfoy, you're a **dead man**!" Harry howled as he waded back to the house.

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Read and Review, please


	2. Harry's Revenge

Harry spent the better part of his day ranting and raging to an empty house about his crazy, inconsiderate and altogether giant prat of a boyfriend. Draco's latest stunt had involved a long argument about shirking household responsibilities, a lawn mower and a remarkably obscene bit of landscaping.

The crazy blond had basically gone and sheared a giant penis across their lawn and Harry was none too happy about it. Even worse, Draco had legged it right after his latest bout of lunacy and was probably cackling away in Pansy's lair right this minute! Harry had no doubts about his boyfriend's intentions. Draco expected _him_ to admit defeat and set the lawn to rights or face life with a giant dick display in his front yard!

Well, he wasn't backing down this time! Draco had crossed the line and it was _on._

"Making a giant prick on the lawn" he muttered savagely to himself, as he plotted his revenge "Probably a self portrait…" He trailed off, chuckling at his own joke before his eyes widened in amazement at the sheer brilliance of it.

Harry rubbed his hands in glee as he was struck by the grandmother of all awesome ideas. It was _magnificent_! Seriously, this was right up there with The Wheel and Fire and Sugar Quills!

Cackling like a maniac, Harry sprinted off in search of the lawn mower.

* * *

Draco angled his Nimbus 2001 to head home. He'd been out flying all afternoon. It would have been decidedly unwise to hang around after Harry had had a good look at what he'd done to his precious lawn. Well, his incensed lover had had more than three hours to cool down. He was probably repairing the lawn right now. Draco smirked. He had channelled all of his artistic ability in his landscaping masterpiece and it had been worth it. He doubted if Harry would ever dare ask him to mow the lawn again.

It was with these happy thoughts that Draco decided to take a quick aerial trip around their cottage. He hadn't had the chance to view his creation from the air yet and he suspected it would be quite the view. Of course, Harry would probably have mowed over it by now. Oh well, no harm in looking…

So he angled his broom in the direction of his home and flew on. Soon, the lawn came into view.

Ah, there it stood in all its glory. Draco grinned. Merlin, it was a monstrosity! And he'd thought the biggest he'd seen was Harry's! Still grinning, he flew further…

…and screeched in horror. Hell, he almost fell off his broom!

His magnificent creation was not the only bit of landscaping on their lawn anymore. Draco's eyes widened as he scoped out the four… no, _five_ words that had been mowed across the lawn. They were large and prominent and he had no difficulty reading them from his broom. And they had been sheared _right _above his creation.

The words '**DRACO MALFOY IS A HUGE'** were cut out across his lawn. They were followedby his own bit of artistry, thus completing the announcement.

So, his lawn now read…

"This means _war_, Potter!" Draco bellowed in outrage, as he hurtled home at warp speed.


	3. Draco's Retaliation

"**POTTER!"**

Harry chuckled as Draco's roar was followed by a series of loud door slams and accompanying snarls of frustration. He wondered if his boyfriend would think to look in their bedroom before he tore the house down in his Harry location efforts.

As if on cue, Draco barrelled into the bedroom, looking positively murderous.

"_You_" Draco snarled, pointing a dramatic finger at his condemned boyfriend

"Me" Harry agreed cheerfully. This day was looking so much better.

"I want that…that spectacle removed from the lawn this instant!" Draco hissed dangerously. A lesser man would have made a beeline for the window by now, but Harry just smirked.

"Good luck with that" he retorted with an evil grin "I hid the lawn mower."

Draco let loose a howl that would have done a Mandrake proud and launched himself at the aggravating Gryffindor. They went down in a flurry of fists and limbs and ripping clothes, biting and kicking and snarling for all they were worth. Draco sank his teeth in Harry's shoulder, and Harry yanked at his hair. Draco punched him in the ribs, and Harry responded with a kick to the thigh. A table fell and a chair toppled over and the two boys continued to wreck havoc across the floor.

"You! Are! Such! A! Bastard!" shouted Draco, emphasising each word with a punch.

"You're a huge prick!" Harry yelled back "And I have the lawn to prove it!"

At that, Draco pretty much lost it. He descended with another howl, redoubling his efforts to reduce Harry to a pulp. The Gryffindor groaned at the assault but managed to swing his leg around and tackled Draco to the floor. He straddled the furious blond, clamping his knees firmly to hold him in place as he pinned him down. There was squirming and shouting and cursing in three different languages as both the boys lay pressed up against each other, eyes flashing and teeth bared in twin snarls.

Draco sneered and jerked against him in an effort to free himself and his groin brushed against Harry's, eliciting a throaty gasp from the taller boy. The air crackled with silent tension and Draco's eyes glinted with ill suppressed glee. "Why am I not surprised?" he smirked, brushing against Harry quite deliberately now.

"You should talk" Harry spat "You're drilling a hole through my leg, you horny prat!"

Draco scowled and turned his head, exposing his slender neck to Harry. That, in hindsight wasn't the smartest move, because Harry launched himself at the tempting expanse of flesh, licking and sucking and biting for all he was worth. Draco's yowls of protest turned to hisses and moans as he arched and twisted under Harry.

Their hands roamed desperately against exposed skin- Draco's nails raking Harry's back and Harry's talented fingers teasing the blond's nipples into hard nubs. Draco reached for his cock and stroked it expertly as Harry moaned.

"Now" Draco panted, as the strokes became more urgent. "Now, Potter…"

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He raised Draco's left leg and slicked his fingers with a quick lubrication charm, breaching Draco without much warning. The blond yelped and scratched his shoulder in retaliation but bucked enthusiastically against the intrusion, still fisting himself furiously. The sight went straight to Harry's groin and he growled as he removed his fingers, springing up and positioning his rampant cock against Draco's prepared entrance. One smooth thrust and he was inside, revelling in Draco's tight heat.

"Fuck" he groaned as Draco yowled like a wanton cat.

"Move, you fucker!" the blond snapped, twisting desperately.

Harry obliged with an urgent jerk of his hips. Draco clenched against him and Harry growled, thrusting harder and deeper, determined to undo his demanding, infuriating brat of a boyfriend. He succeeded soon enough. Draco's groans turned to short, sharp gasps as his hand stroked his cock desperately and then, with a splendid arch of his back and a howl of completion, Draco was coming all over himself and Harry. The sight was intoxicating and spurred Harry's own efforts. In seconds, he was following Draco with his a guttural growl of his own.

He collapsed against the prone blond, his cock still buried deep inside his lover, enjoying the tantalising flutters of Draco's rim.

"That was brilliant" he murmured, running a hand down Draco's hip.

"I was there, Potter" Draco snipped, curling himself around Harry's arm "Now shut up and let me sleep."

Harry rolled his eyes and shifted so that Draco could lie down comfortably. He sighed at the warm weight against his chest and his hand moved of its own accord, stroking Draco's damp hair back from his face. The blond purred contentedly and Harry couldn't help but smile tenderly.

"Potter?" Draco mumbled, half asleep.

"Yeah?" Harry whispered back, still petting the blond affectionately.

"This isn't over."

Harry's smile faded.

* * *

Turns out, angry sex is not the solution to all relationship problems. Who knew, right? Either way things went back to status quo at the Potter Malfoy household. Harry continued to gloat, and Draco continued to sulk. He had been unsuccessful in locating the lawn mower though, so Harry was content in his victory. Soon enough, Draco would back down and _he_ would be vindicated.

Or so he thought.

Things came to a boil when Ron Weasley came to visit. Draco was still snappy and sulky, so Harry had made plans to go flying with his friend instead

Ron came by in the afternoon, looking strangely uncomfortable. "Mate" he groaned "I did _not_ need to know that."

"What?" Harry frowned.

"Your lawn!" Ron muttered, hiding his face in his hands "Why would you _do_ that to me? Some things are best left private, yeah?"

Harry confusion only increased. "You saw what I wrote on the lawn?"

"It's sort of hard to miss."

"So what's the problem?" Harry demanded, quite puzzled Ron had always been a vocal proponent of the "Draco Malfoy is a Huge Prick" school of thought. "I thought of all people, _you'd_ appreciate it."

"I most _definitely_ did not!" Ron squawked indignantly "And you shouldn't go about traumatising innocent passersby with unwarranted information! If you want to show Malfoy your…appreciation, buy him roses!"

None of this was becoming any clearer to Harry. "What the hell are you talking…" he began, trailing off as a foreboding sight caught his eye. Draco was outside, spying on them through the window and grinning like a psychopath. And, Harry's blood ran cold as he saw that the blond was _holding a pair of lawn scissors!_

"Damn it!" Harry snarled, running outside just as Draco cackled gleefully and sprinted for the house.

His worst fears were confirmed. The lawn had been amended yet again. It was just two tiny changes, but Draco had definitely outdone himself.

Yes. Harry's contribution to the lawn had been changed from "Draco Malfoy Is a Huge" to "Draco Malfoy _**Has**_ a Huge". Put that on top of a giant grass cut out of a penis and well, one could see why Draco was so pleased with himself!

"That's **it**!" the Gryffindor howled "No More Mr. Nice Harry!"

Ron sighed wearily and mounted his broom.


	4. Ron's Intervention

Things became a whole lot more interesting at Godric's Hollow after that.

First Harry went three dimensional when he conjured up a hand shaped hedge which was charmed to flip off anyone who came too close. A day later, Draco upped the ante by procuring a creepy lawn gnome that trolled the gardens, just waiting for opportunities to moon Harry. By day four, the garden was home to three sheared bushes that bore a suspicious resemblance to pictures from Harry's copy of _Yoga and Tantric Sex, _a Venomous Tentacula that had decided that Draco was its mother and a bonsai version of the Whomping Willow that smacked innocent passersby on the arse.

Ron Weasley had _not_ been amused by that last one. He wasn't sure how the Lawn War had become _his_ problem, but he was Harry's friend, and friends don't let friends put up neon signposts stating **"Malfoys Like it Rough and Dirty" **on their lawn.

"Harry, you are _forcing_ me to be the voice of reason!" a red faced Ron yelled, as he tried to wrestle that goddamn sign from his apparently suicidal best friend "And it's not a good look for me!"

"Let go, Ron!" Harry snapped, trying to snag his sign back "I can't let him win!"

"Win _what_?" Ron demanded "He's hopping mad and trying to shake a Tentacula off his leg!"

Harry giggled like a delighted four year old and Ron groaned. "You know, for a couple of blokes who claim to love each other, you sure like to drive each other up the wall. Why can't you just mow the fucking lawn?"

"It's a matter of _principle_!" Harry grunted, finally ripping the sign from Ron's grip and tucking it under his arm protectively. The redhead shuddered at the maniacal glint in Harry's eyes as he added "And he'll be _so_ mad!"

Ron watched uselessly as he strutted off, still chortling.

It was official. He couldn't handle this anymore. He needed help. He had to bring in stronger forces. Forces that could stop this madness once and for all! And he knew only one person who could strike fear in the hearts of War Heroes…and Malfoy. A person forged from iron and steel and darkness.

But was it worth it? Ron hesitated. Maybe it was too harsh. After all, they were grown ups. Surely they were capable of reason. Maybe he should try talking with them one more time before resorting to such extreme measures…

He was pulled from his musings with a harsh pinch to his arse. Ron squawked indignantly and whirled around, finding himself face to face with a leering lawn gnome. "Hey there, ginger" it grinned, giving him an appreciative once over "Does the carpet match the drapes?"

Ron was gone before it could check.

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Back at the cottage, another shouting match was in full progress. **"You think that's funny, you bastard?"** Draco screeched with unmitigated fury, pointing at Harry's flashing sign. He would have cut an impressive figure, if it weren't for the crooning Tentacula wrapped affectionately around his ankle.

Harry was about to reply in the affirmative when a sharp knock sounded.

"This isn't over, Potter" Draco declared, marching towards the door "When I'm through with you you're going to…_Mother_?"

"_Narcissa_?" Harry gulped.

"Good evening, gentlemen" Narcissa smiled blandly at the young men, arms crossed and foot tapping in a decidedly threatening manner "We need to talk."

* * *

"It's not _that_ bad" Draco muttered sulkily, after a forty minute lecture from his mother about how she hadn't raised him to run around spelling phalluses on lawns.

Narcissa raised a discriminating eyebrow. "Draco, you're being dry humped by a plant and I was just propositioned by a lawn gnome- which your Father wants back, by the way."

Harry disguised his snort as a cough, and Narcissa turned on him with a cold glare. "As for you, Mr. Potter- we're going to have a long talk about how a War Heroes is expected to act."

Draco smirked victoriously as Harry subsided with a meek "Yes, Mrs. Malfoy."

His sainted mother didn't lose a beat as she turned to him with that same bland, _evil_ smile. "Oh and Draco darling, as long as I'm chatting with dear Harry be a dear and mow that atrocity of the lawn."


	5. Draco's Worries

**And that's the wrap up for this little ficlet. Apologies for the late posting, awesome readers. I suck *winces***

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Four hours, one pristine lawn and several aching muscles later a moaning Draco lay practically comatose on his bed. He didn't even stir when he felt Harry flop gratefully next to him.

"What did you get?" Draco asked his boyfriend, still face down.

"The riot act" Harry replied ruefully, slinging an arm around his blond and pulling him closer "She made me fix all the hedges. And the tree. And the Tentacula."

"Edgar is _gone_?" Draco blurted, looking quite stricken. Harry gave him an incredulous look and Draco shrugged "We bonded."

Harry patted his head sympathetically, and Draco snuggled closer to him. "She made you take the sign off too, right?" he mumbled.

The Gryffindor winced. "Actually, she bought it. Said she had the perfect place for it in the bedroom"

Draco shuddered and punched his shoulder "I could have gone my whole life without _that_ particular bit of information!"

"We _all_ could" Harry deadpanned, stretching slightly. "Merlin, my back hurts!"

"Poor little baby" Draco snarked "Were the teeny tiny hedges too much for your delicate constitution? Maybe next time Princess Potter should try pushing a fucking two ton lawn mower back and forth for three hours! Maybe precious little Potter should…should…oh _Merlin,_ that's good…"

"You were saying?" Harry drawled, as his hands pressed gently against Draco's aching muscles.

"Keep going" Draco practically keened, stretching out against Harry's talented fingers.

Harry chuckled and traced a finger against Draco's spine, enjoying the simple intimacy of touching his lover. He had been fighting with Draco so long, he hadn't realised how much he had missed this. Now that he was here, gently stroking the blond's back, he wondered how he had managed to go a day without it.

"I suppose you'll want me to return the favour?" Draco asked reluctantly even as turned over to give Harry better access.

"Why don't I just take care of you right now?" Harry said affectionately. "You _did_ mow the lawn, after all. Even if it took a week of fighting _and_ your mother to make it happen"

Draco simply moaned and arched under his touch, enjoying his impromptu massage. Harry smiled as the blond's tense muscles relaxed under his fingers. This was nice, he mused thoughtfully. _So_ much better than arguing and snapping and fighting…

"Why do we fight so much?" Draco mumbled, echoing his thoughts.

Harry shrugged. "We just do" he said simply. It was true, after all.

"Other couples don't" Draco replied, turning his head away. But not before Harry caught the flash of worry in those grey eyes. He sighed and tried to turn Draco to face him, but the blond had rolled away to his side, back turned resolutely.

"Oh no, you don't" Harry said firmly, gripping his arm gently and tugging "You don't get to give me hell for a week and then do the whole silent treatment act. We both know that's not you."

Draco stubbornly stayed put so Harry tugged harder. It took a while and quite a bit of manoeuvring, but he finally managed to trap the tetchy blond in a gentle but firm embrace.

"Come on" he coaxed, bumping foreheads with Draco as he tried to pry away "Talk to me."

Finally, the blond turned to look at him and Harry's heart clenched as he saw the anxiety in his stormy, grey eyes. "Everyone fights, Draco" he said softly "It's normal."

"Harry, I shaved a giant cock on the lawn. That's _definitely_ not normal"

Despite himself, Harry felt his lips quirk. "So you keep me on my toes. That's not a bad thing. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm one of those blokes who goes looking for trouble."

"But this is crazy!" Draco blurted, his fears and unease spilling out thanks to Harry's gentle coaxing "It's not…it's not_done_, Harry! It's ridiculous and frustrating and I don't even know why you put up with it. And…and if you suddenly decide that you _don't_ want to put up with a life of insanity and that I'm not worth the bother, I think I'd like to know in advance when you decide to leave m…mmmph!"

The rest of his ravings fell by the wayside as Harry silenced him by crushing their lips together. It wasn't a gentle kiss, and it wasn't meant to comfort. It was firm and resolute- a promise that was meant to _convince_. And Draco welcomed it, opening under Harry's demanding mouth until the brunet broke away.

"Idiot" Harry whispered against his mouth, nipping gently at his lower lip. "Talk shite like that again and I'll deck you."

"That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, Potter" he drawled back. Harry smiled, pleased to note that he sounded like his wonderful, snarky, somewhat crazy, stubborn Draco again.

"I love you more than you could ever imagine, you daft git" he said softly "And you'll _always_ be worth the bother."

"I know" Draco mumbled, hiding his face in Harry's neck "I love you too."

"So… how about you show me how much you love me by washing the dishes tomorrow?"

"Can't hear you. I'm asleep."

"Of course you are, love" Harry chuckled, planting a kiss on the blond's head "Of course you are."

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**Reviews, puhlease**


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